This article is written in Honor of April Fool’s Day 2014.
New York, NY: CEO of JPMorgan Chase (“your money, because now we got it… LOL!” <—actual motto… honest) Jaime Diamond was arrested today by a multi-jurisdictional taskforce.
According to someone’s twitter… er… unnamed sources… Mr. Diamond was under the Protection of Urinewater Security (“We Violate Human Rights, so you don’t have to… LOL!!!” <—actual motto… honest… don’t believe me? Check out their website: www.human-rights-violator.edu.LOL.me Important Note: If you don’t type “LOL” in all caps, it takes you to a porn site).
Urinewater staff entered a brief scuffle with government taskforce personnel. The Urinewater team was incapacitated and still at the scene. When this reporter asked why these mercenaries were receiving no medical attention, I was told it was because of Throwback Tuesdays and law enforcement honoring Black History Month. When asked what that meant, one officer starting playing “911 is a joke in your town.”
Later, Attorney General Eric Holder provided the following statement:
“As you may be aware Jaime Diamond was recently taken into custody. He has been indicted by both a civilian grand jury and military tribunal for R.I.C.O. violations, tax evasion and other crimes by the civilian grand jury which are sealed at this time. Further, he is concurrently being investigated by the U.S. military prosecutors under the Patriot Act for possible involvement in both the 2007 global stock market collapse and possible corrupt corporate influence related to the U.S. Invasion of Iraq.
While we cannot confirm publicly, due to our ongoing investigation, we’re concerned that Mr. Diamond, his company, and others may have profited from U.S. involvement in the Iraq Conflict, which cost tens of thousands of lives of innocent Iraqi civilians and military personnel, on the battlefield and off, due to suicide and other mental health related deaths, as a direct result of the Iraqi conflict.
These are potential large scale human rights violations and as a result, the military courts could potentially charge him with Treason against the United States and Crimes against Humanity, in furtherance of corporate profits under R.I.C.O.
Due to the nature and scope of this investigation, Mr. Diamond will be held under the NDAA, under suicide watch, in solitude, at Guantanamo Bay… for his safety, until further notice.
Further, in an effort to contain the potential financial damage and recover any wrongfully gained funds, The Justice Department and U.S. Government has frozen all assets of Mr. Diamond, his associates and his organization and their associates. Computers involved in High Speed trading have been seized and will be analyzed by the U.S. Government Cyberwarfare division to ensure the programming and usage does not violate any U.S. Law or international treaties.
While Americans will be able to withdraw deposits from these institutions, loans, financial trading and business to business transactions will be barred until further notice.
While some may condemn this as overreaching and cause potential damage, we have conferred with both FEMA and other related experts and everyone agrees any damage caused by the freezing of assets, stock transactions and/or other instruments will be minimal, as profits from those transactions are mostly off-shored and not reinvested in American communities.
More importantly, the U.S. Government is concerned that this could be a wide-ranging conspiracy involvement multiple corporations, institutions as well as members of both the Judiciary and Congress. This is the true reason the C.I.A. and the N.S.A. have kept Americans under surveillance… to collect credible evidence from these sources.
Consequently, in an effort to minimize damage to our democracy, the U.S. Government has drafted preliminary Amnesty agreements.
These agreements stipulate that if an citizen or organization, which may be guilty of the above or related crimes, comes forward and provides evidence and testifies as necessary will be immune for prosecution with the following two provisions:
1. All wrongfully gained profits will be returned to the government on a dollar per dollar basis.
2. All applicants agree to uncompensated community service in low income and poor neighborhood schools and communities, so they can experience firsthand the damage their crimes have caused.
Finally, The United States while conducting an ongoing investigation, encourages citizens to come forward with any information they may have related to these and related crimes. Should their information be significant in the prosecution of these crimes, they will be compensated as provided under Qui Tam law, without having to file a separate suit.
In closing, these actions provide Justice to the American people and the International Community, long overdue.”
This fictitious satire to be continued…
In the meantime, spread #trolling4justice.
The world still believes in us (pun kinda intended), now we need to have the faith to believe in ourselves.